I’m still here.

I know what you’re thinking… I thought this blog had been condemned, boarded up and likely become a squat. Well, you’re right. I haven’t written so much as a sentence in this derelict space since 2017 and after this I’ll likely not write another. There are a host of reasons for my radio silence. I felt the online world had become flooded with nature blogs, most of which had far more scientific, knowledgeable things to say than this. I also realised I wasn’t interested in any of them. That filled me with self doubt. What is a naturalist? Do you need to be studying biodiversity? Do you need to have a book deal? Do I have anything to say? Does anyone give a shit even if I think I do?!

It’s World Mental Health Day today and if the above didn’t give you a clue, I’ve been battling with depression for the last couple of years. I think in some way maybe everyone does. I don’t talk about it, haven’t written about it and I don’t do much about it, apart from run – really run, I mean, not metaphorically. Running has replaced walking. Walking was what connected me with nature. Nature was what I wrote about. I’m going to go for a walk today but I probably won’t write about it. I might do an instagram story if I’m feeling inspired, because that’s about the limit of my creativity these days – a 24hr disposable clip show with a couple of hashtags and one liners thrown in now and then. It’s an outlet I suppose. I used to call myself a writer. I don’t anymore. I don’t even feel able to write a speech for my brother’s wedding.

I don’t have a very good reason for feeling miserable a lot of the time. I’ve got a lush family and good friends. I am not starving. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know why I feel this way though – my job. Aside from posting instagram stories now and then, I spend most of my waking life trying to teach the youth of St Blazey, which is in the top 10% most deprived areas in the country. It’s fucking hard. Everyday contains some, if not a lot of verbal abuse from children and parents who don’t know how to conduct themselves in society. It’s a vicious cycle. Our school is failing and we’re blamed. I’ve been there a year and I feel completely destroyed by it. Everyday is a battle just to make it to the end without breaking down, then once a week we’ll have an hour or so of ‘You’re not doing enough for these children.’ I had an apple thrown at my head the other day… by an eight year old. I don’t even teach that child. I was simply walking past! Every fibre in my body wanted to turn around and shout but I didn’t. I just died a bit more inside instead. That’ll learn him.

Now, I apologise if you were hoping for a happy ending to this post, there isn’t one. I’m still here, still not really dealing with it, still a bit depressed BUT… last night in my weekly pilgrimage to Par running track, I did meet a hedgehog and help him find a more suitable spot to hang out. My heart grew ten sizes.

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Also… Wild Mid Cornwall doesn’t really have the same ring to it.

Stay strong nature fam.

Image result for Extinction symbol to copy and paste

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One thought on “I’m still here.

  1. Thanks for sharing – I know it’s hard to talk about, or even put into words, how you’re feeling when things aren’t going as well as you think they should. Or when things aren’t as bright as you think they should be when you don’t think you’ve got much to be miserable about. I really feel for you, and have experienced something of what you describe.
    Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts and ways of coping via instagram and twitter. And it’s ok to not share via social media all the time. What matters is that you’ve got family close by who can give you real hugs and make you feel safe and loved and valued and that you matter.
    I randomly watched Countdown yesterday and they had Dr Phil Hammond on – he mentioned CLANGERS for health https://learntoeatwell.wordpress.com/2017/04/24/clangers-for-health/. You’re already doing some of those things – running and noticing stranded hedgehogs, for example. Do more of those things and put your mental health first.
    Sorry, this has turned into a long comment but I wanted you to know you’re not alone.

    Like

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